ISIS no longer accepting new recruits from USA over concerns about mass shootings

ISIL Screen Grab
A screen grab from the ISIS video posted to YouTube

According to a video posted on YouTube, the terrorist group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) will no longer be accepting new recruits from the United States. This restriction is the result of concerns that Americans will commit mass shootings in ISIS-controlled territory. Americans who have already joined ISIS will be allowed to stay, but any new arrivals with American passports will be turned away.

The video, which was uploaded on Sunday evening, features a group of about a dozen men wearing black balaclavas, holding weapons and ISIS flags in an undisclosed location. During the video, one man speaks in Arabic directly into the camera, while the others silently stare straight ahead. The video lasts just over three and a half minutes.

The video describes the surprisingly high frequency with which mass shootings – defined as incidents of gun violence in which more than four people are killed – occur in the United States. In the last three years, there have been over 1000 mass shootings in the United States, nearly one incident every day. According to the video, Americans “must have some sort of sickness in their culture that causes this barbarity. That sickness cannot be permitted to infect the Caliphate.”

Given ISIS’s notoriously violent and gruesome methods, it is surprising that mass shootings would be of particular concern. This point was addressed explicitly in the video. “Of course, we understand and respect the use of violence to achieve important goals,” said the masked man who spoke during the video. “However when ISIS uses violence, it is a tool that’s used to help us survive an existential struggle against a world of wickedness. Mass shootings are different. They are expressions of futile frustration that end in pointless suicide. This is antithetical to the holy pursuit of purity through a world-wide Islamic State. As members of ISIS, we have a multi-front war to wage, air strikes to evade, beheading videos to post, and we’re now even posting cat videos. We don’t have the mental space worry about some nihilist Yankee shooting up our kids while they’re at school. Ain’t nobody in ISIS got time for that.”

AKitten 47
A screen grab from one of many cat videos posted by ISIS.

The video does acknowledge that the percentage of Americans who commit mass shootings is “very small,” but goes on to note that ISIS does not have the means to conduct the comprehensive screening that would be required to distinguish people legitimately fleeing America’s culture of senseless violence from those who might carry out a mass shooting. “Even American law enforcement is totally unable to predict and prevent these senseless attacks,” said the man in the video. “And that’s with constant mass-surveillance of their whole population.”

Political leaders from both the Republican and Democratic Parties have condemned the video. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump said that ISIS’s “irrational fear of all Americans, just because we’ve got a small handful of kooks, shows their commitment to bigotry and small-mindedness.” The National Rifle Association also released a statement, in which they took credit for “promoting the lax gun laws which are now keeping Americans safely out of ISIS’s hands.”

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Facebook stock rises on expectations of “post-revenue future” after announcing measures to reduce creepy online stalker behaviour

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at the press confere
Mark Zuckerberg, game-changing, post-revenue, future-focused thought leader, and Facebook’s Chief Executive Officer. Photo by Guillaume Paumier

Menlo Park, California. Facebook Inc., the premier internet stalking company, has announced that it is realigning its organizational goals, focusing attention on throwing money in the garbage. The company is streamlining its interface functionality to ensure alignment with this new goal. In their first publicly announced initiative to implement the revenue-in-garbage strategy, Facebook is actually giving people the option of seeing fewer posts from their ex immediately after a break-up.

Bruce Pimm, senior technology analyst for Goldman Sachs, says that this move will disengage Facebook’s target demographic, desperate post-breakup creeps. “Immediately after a breakup, a person – especially someone predisposed to internet stalking – typically wants to see more updates from the person that just dumped them.” Pimm told us. “They want to know where their ex is going, what they are doing, and especially who they are with.”

Pimm went on to say that the creepy-stalker-type is also very aware that their ex will see their own posts. Therefore, people go out of their way to post about their fascinating post-breakup life, and look for as many opportunities as possible to take pictures with attractive potential mates. Facebook estimates that these pathetic displays of insecurity make up about 45% of the social media platform’s total traffic.

The “Dumpsville demographic,” as it is affectionately known at Facebook headquarters, is also the ideal audience for Facebook’s advertising partners. Following a breakup, people are vulnerable; in their scramble to give meaning to their otherwise vapid existence, they often make impulse purchases or just mindlessly click on advertisements for no particular reason. As a result, Facebook says that people who have recently been sent to Dumpsville are between two and three times more lucrative to the company in terms of advertising revenue.

During a conference call with analysts, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg was clear that this strategic shift is not an attempt to change Facebook’s target demographic. “A lot of people have asked whether this is an attempt to shift Facebook’s user base, in order to attract a less-sad or less-creepy demographic,” Zuckerberg said. “Let me be very clear: this strategic realignment is not about altering our target demographic. Rather, this is an attempt to take as much potential revenue as possible and literally throw it straight into the garbage.”

The share price of the social media company soared on the news, finishing the day up 11.7%. Pimm praised Zuckerberg’s thought leadership, explaining, “This is really the kind of future-oriented innovation experiment that we want to see from the tech sector. Zuckerberg is driving us into a new post-revenue era, and we think that has a huge up-side for Facebook’s profit potential. This is game-changing, future-focused leadership at its finest.”

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Underestimates the Relevance of Justin Trudeau’s Name

Trudeau vs. The Rock

The day after Justin Trudeau was sworn in as Canada’s 23rd Prime Minister, he received an unexpected phone call from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the WWE wrestling super-star. According our source, who was present during the incident, Trudeau had assumed that Johnson had called to congratulate him on his electoral success.

“Finally The Rock’s voice has come back to Ottawa!” Johnson boomed into the phone after Trudeau had answered. “The Rock wants to know if this is Canada’s new Prime Minister.” Trudeau confirmed for Johnson, “Yes this is Justin Tru…” at which point Johnson interrupted the Prime Minister by shouting into the phone “It doesn’t matter what your name is!”

Our source confirmed that at this point Trudeau realized two things: first, this was not a friendly call; and second, Johnson actually knows very little about the Canadian political landscape. Still trying to be polite, Trudeau corrected Johnson: “Actually Mr. Rock, the Trudeau family name matters considerably in Canada. I mean, my hair’s good, but to get into majority territory, the name was necessary.”

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson raises "The People's Eyebrow"
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson raises “The People’s Eyebrow”

Our source reported that the conversation devolved from there. Mr. Johnson made reference to “The People’s Eyebrow” at which point Trudeau said that Johnson sounded like a Communist. Johnson then described himself as the “Jabroni-Justin bustin’, People’s Pelvis thrustin’, Prime Minister cussin’, one-way, first class ticket on the Know Your Role Express to the sunny Isle of Smackdown!”

According to our source, the phone call ended abruptly at that point. One of Trudeau’s aids realized that the Prime Minister was about propose a pay-per-view boxing match with Johnson and she was able to grab the phone away from Trudeau and end the call.

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Integrity Commissioner Slams Wynne over Half-Hearted Halloween Costume

Kathleen Wynne Vending Machine 2
The Integrity Commissioner’s report scolded Wynne’s costume for its lack of originality: “they’re just her work clothes!”

In a scathing seven-page report released this afternoon, Ontario’s Integrity Commissioner Lynn Morrison slammed Premier Kathleen Wynne over the costume she wore to a Halloween party Saturday evening. Ms. Wynne, seen in the picture above, was dressed as a vending machine for Ontario’s public assets.

The integrity Commissioner’s report focused on the disservice that Wynne’s costume did to the holiday spirit. “Halloween is a time when even as adults we get to engage the magic of our imaginations. We ponder different worlds, and then for one evening we step into the shoes of a character within one of those worlds. Ms. Wynne’s actions are disappointing because she just threw on her work cloths and went as herself. It’s just so disrespectful to the spirit of the season.”

In a press scrum shortly after the report was released, Premier Wynne struck back at the Integrity Commissioner’s report. “My costume was clearly well above the bar in terms of creativity!” Wynne said emphatically. “I ordered the vending machine costume weeks ago and had to attach all those logos to it myself. Besides, I only have immediate plans to sell off one of those crown corporations at pop-bottle prices.”

Wynne also pointed out that the costume was a hit with the other guests at the party. “Ed Clark [former CEO of TD Bank] was hosting the party and he loved it.  There were also a bunch of other bank executives, investment bankers and corporate lawyers in attendance and they must have thought it was creative, because they were giddy at the sight of that costume.”

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Trump Has Pre-Debate Teleconference with Dr. Claw, No Heart

Dr. Claw, No Heart, Trump
Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump teleconferences with Dr. Claw, No Heart; trio discus taxation policy, geopolitics, getting Gadget.

Breaking: Footage leaked by Sweden’s Intelligence Agency shows that Republican Presidential hopeful had a teleconference this afternoon with Dr. Claw and No Heart. Early reports suggest that M.A.D Cat is a Swedish double-agent, and was able to deliver the footage in his kitty litter.

The trio discussed geopolitics, immigration, and taxation policy in preparation for tonight’s debate. Dr. Claw is apparently funding Trumps campaign in exchange for NSA support in “getting Gadget” if Trump is elected to the White House. Mr. Heart has also provided a large campaign contribution on the condition that Beastly becomes Trump’s Chief of Staff.

This story is developing. The True Facts Wire will post updates as we receive them.

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Man with erection lasting longer than four hours has awkward trip to emergency room on public transit

Richard Paulson 2
Richard Paulson tries hopelessly to hide his multi-hour erection while fellow riders take cell phone pics.

Local resident Richard Paulson endured an awkward ride to the nearest hospital on public transit last Thursday afternoon. According to Paulson’s roommate, William Xu, a four-and-a-half-hour erection necessitated the visit. Paulson had taken Viagra, a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction, during a marathon masturbation session. Although Paulson was satisfied with the quality of the erection, the duration proved longer than desired, requiring that he seek medical attention.

When Paulson finally returned from the hospital many hours later, he described his trip to the hospital to Xu. “First off, it was rush hour,” explained Xu, who approached The True Facts Wire with the story in petty retaliation over dishes left overnight in the sink. “So there were lots of opportunities for wood-on-stranger contact.”

According to Xu, Paulson left the house underprepared for the trek, taking with him only a hardcover version of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich to hide his pesky manhood. Unfortunately, mid way through the trip, Paulson encountered his tenth grade history teacher, with whom he still keeps occasional contact. During their conversation, the septuagenarian teacher asked if she could borrow Paulson’s book. At the time, Paulson could not think of a reason to reject this request that did not involve a longer-than-four-hours-in-duration erection, and gave up the book. Xu confirmed that shortly after this interaction, Paulson thought up numerous plausible reasons.

For the remainder of the trek, Paulson was forced to navigate the crowds without the shield of first-rate historical scholarship, and was the target of numerous glares and whispers. Paulson tried to mitigate the awkwardness with a group of teenage girls by plainly explaining his medical condition. Investigative work conducted by The True Facts Wire confirms that this explanation was met with utter disbelief.

After a 27 minute subway ride and a short bus trip, Paulson reached the hospital emergency room. Upon arrival, Paulson’s erection had almost completely dissipated rendering the entire agonizing trip pointless.

Correction: An earlier version of this article named Mr. Paulson as Dick Paulson, rather than Richard. Mr. Paulson subsequently informed us that he strongly prefers Richard. The relevant text has been updated and The True Facts Wire regrets the error.

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White people relieved by end to police carding, optimistic that it will reduce use of troublesome “R-word” in public discourse

Brazen protest t-shirt makes use of R-word. White people how use of this threatening word declines now that carding is illegal in Ontario.
Brazen protest t-shirt makes use of R-word. White people hope use of this threatening word declines now that carding is illegal in Ontario. Photo via etsy.com

Thursday afternoon Yasir Naqvi, Ontario Minister of Community Safety and Correctional Services announced that the practice of police carding, a term which refers to random police checks, will be made illegal by the end of fall. The decision was lauded by groups representing African-Canadians, which consider the practice discriminatory.

Surprisingly, it appears that the move is popular with White people as well. The True Facts Wire interviewed Denise Johnson, a member of the visible majority who seemed capable of speaking on all members’ behalf. “I think the policy [of police carding] causes more problems than it solves,” Johnson said. “I read that article about carding in Toronto Life. I remember the article clearly because it wasn’t about condos. I even shared it on social media, albeit only on MySpace.”

When asked why she is opposed to the practice of police carding, Johnson explained, “I think it’s a sound policy in theory, but it seems like we just can’t have it without activists thrusting that dreadful R-word into the public sphere.” When asked to clarify, Johnson lowered her voice to a whisper and said, “racism.”

“I think there’s a real empathy gap between whites and the others,” Johnson continued. “I don’t think they understand how hurtful that word is, or the long history of it being used against us.”

“I just wish that People with Colours would understand that the R-word hurts us as much as the other stuff hurts them” Johnson said, referring to centuries of systemic violence and oppression. “I’ve always thought that the best way to deal with inequality is to protect the people who benefit from feeling bad. But of course, I do understand that living in a complex society involves making tradeoffs. So if canceling this legitimate policing tactic is the only way to dial down the use of the R-word, I can accept that.”

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