Breaking: Footage leaked by Sweden’s Intelligence Agency shows that Republican Presidential hopeful had a teleconference this afternoon with Dr. Claw and No Heart. Early reports suggest that M.A.D Cat is a Swedish double-agent, and was able to deliver the footage in his kitty litter.
The trio discussed geopolitics, immigration, and taxation policy in preparation for tonight’s debate. Dr. Claw is apparently funding Trumps campaign in exchange for NSA support in “getting Gadget” if Trump is elected to the White House. Mr. Heart has also provided a large campaign contribution on the condition that Beastly becomes Trump’s Chief of Staff.
This story is developing. The True Facts Wire will post updates as we receive them.
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Local resident Richard Paulson endured an awkward ride to the nearest hospital on public transit last Thursday afternoon. According to Paulson’s roommate, William Xu, a four-and-a-half-hour erection necessitated the visit. Paulson had taken Viagra, a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction, during a marathon masturbation session. Although Paulson was satisfied with the quality of the erection, the duration proved longer than desired, requiring that he seek medical attention.
When Paulson finally returned from the hospital many hours later, he described his trip to the hospital to Xu. “First off, it was rush hour,” explained Xu, who approached The True Facts Wire with the story in petty retaliation over dishes left overnight in the sink. “So there were lots of opportunities for wood-on-stranger contact.”
According to Xu, Paulson left the house underprepared for the trek, taking with him only a hardcover version of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich to hide his pesky manhood. Unfortunately, mid way through the trip, Paulson encountered his tenth grade history teacher, with whom he still keeps occasional contact. During their conversation, the septuagenarian teacher asked if she could borrow Paulson’s book. At the time, Paulson could not think of a reason to reject this request that did not involve a longer-than-four-hours-in-duration erection, and gave up the book. Xu confirmed that shortly after this interaction, Paulson thought up numerous plausible reasons.
For the remainder of the trek, Paulson was forced to navigate the crowds without the shield of first-rate historical scholarship, and was the target of numerous glares and whispers. Paulson tried to mitigate the awkwardness with a group of teenage girls by plainly explaining his medical condition. Investigative work conducted by The True Facts Wire confirms that this explanation was met with utter disbelief.
After a 27 minute subway ride and a short bus trip, Paulson reached the hospital emergency room. Upon arrival, Paulson’s erection had almost completely dissipated rendering the entire agonizing trip pointless.
Correction: An earlier version of this article named Mr. Paulson as Dick Paulson, rather than Richard. Mr. Paulson subsequently informed us that he strongly prefers Richard. The relevant text has been updated and The True Facts Wire regrets the error.
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Thursday afternoon Yasir Naqvi, Ontario Minister of Community Safety and Correctional Services announced that the practice of police carding, a term which refers to random police checks, will be made illegal by the end of fall. The decision was lauded by groups representing African-Canadians, which consider the practice discriminatory.
Surprisingly, it appears that the move is popular with White people as well. The True Facts Wire interviewed Denise Johnson, a member of the visible majority who seemed capable of speaking on all members’ behalf. “I think the policy [of police carding] causes more problems than it solves,” Johnson said. “I read that article about carding in Toronto Life. I remember the article clearly because it wasn’t about condos. I even shared it on social media, albeit only on MySpace.”
When asked why she is opposed to the practice of police carding, Johnson explained, “I think it’s a sound policy in theory, but it seems like we just can’t have it without activists thrusting that dreadful R-word into the public sphere.” When asked to clarify, Johnson lowered her voice to a whisper and said, “racism.”
“I think there’s a real empathy gap between whites and the others,” Johnson continued. “I don’t think they understand how hurtful that word is, or the long history of it being used against us.”
“I just wish that People with Colours would understand that the R-word hurts us as much as the other stuff hurts them” Johnson said, referring to centuries of systemic violence and oppression. “I’ve always thought that the best way to deal with inequality is to protect the people who benefit from feeling bad. But of course, I do understand that living in a complex society involves making tradeoffs. So if canceling this legitimate policing tactic is the only way to dial down the use of the R-word, I can accept that.”
Yesterday afternoon, newly-elected Canadian Prime Minster Justin Trudeau demonstrated his tough stance against Russia’s Vladimir Putin by organizing a photo shoot. Trudeau dashed into the Canadian wilderness where he lassoed a bull moose, mounted it, and rode it top-speed through a pristine stream, while photographers jockeyed to get the best shot. The photo shoot took less than an hour, according to True Facts Wire photographer Andrea Kwan. “It was astonishing, really” Kwan confided, “We weren’t there more than fifteen minutes before Justin had subdued the moose, using nothing but a lasso and his chiseled figure. He’s clearly done this before.”
Trudeau’s photo shoot comes in response to a well-publicized photo, released by the Kremlin, that shows Putin riding a bear. “This kind of imagery is meant to intimidate,” Trudeau said. “I wanted to let the world know that here in Canada we also have big game – and as of October 19th we also have a leader who rides it, hashtag Real Change™.”
The message behind the photo shoot is consistent with Trudeau’s rhetoric on the campaign trail. “I said that Canada needs to stand strongly against the bully Putin,” Trudeau said next to the pristine stream, while flicking water droplets out of his curly locks. “That strong stand starts today, and it starts by me riding this moose without a shirt on.”
Late last night, Putin issued a statement on the photo shoot. “I ride bears, so I fear no mooses” Putin said, misusing the plural of “moose”. Trudeau countered, saying, “Moose kill more Canadians each year than terrorists. So if Putin doesn’t fear them, he’ll have to learn that he’s a damn fool the hard way.”
Trudeau even considered the possibility that, if it could avoid “all out war” with Russia, he would challenge Putin to a moose-back versus bear-back jousting tournament. “Let’s just say I won’t rule it out at this time” Trudeau confirmed. “I think that my record in blood sports against political advisories speaks for itself.”
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Until late September, the NDP was fiercely promoting issues targeted at “middle class voters”, such as tax cuts for small businesses, balanced budgets, and increasing investment in the tourism sector. More recently, the NDP has dropped many of these polices, focusing instead on in-depth discussions of environmental degradation, and the systemic causes of poverty. Mulcair has also been campaigning with respected economists, who have been describing the assumption that low taxes lead to economic growth as “a figment of neo-liberal ideology, not an economic fact.”
Their new strategy appears to be working. Recent polls suggest that the NDP is surging, with as much as 45% support nation-wide. Sources close to the campaign confirm that this radical shift towards the NDP’s founding principles was only embraced by party strategists as a last resort.
NDP strategist David Dobbs told The True Facts Wire that he was reluctant about promoting principles actually endorsed by the party’s members. “I maintain that our initial messaging and strategic positioning were right on-target,” said Dobbs. “We are able to count on the votes of the Pinkos that make up our party base because the NDP is their only option,” Dobbs explained. “That gives us lots of latitude to convince everyone else that we are non-threatening free-market lap-dogs. So our strategy was really clear.
“Even so, we were sagging in the polls.” Dobbs continued. “I identified the real problem quickly, and it wasn’t our strategic positioning. It was Tom’s beard,” Dobbs said with a firm nod and sustained eye contact. “Jack Layton had a moustache and we did well under his leadership. Tom’s got a full beard and everything goes to shit. So we have a causal relationship there. Tom needed a moustache or everything would be ruined.”
Dobbs says that Mulcair was unwilling to rethink his manscaping. “I explained it to Tom. I explained it at length. I told him, ‘Just do what I say! I’m an internationally respected political strategist… Do you have any idea how many skill-endorsements I have on LinkedIn? Now shave your goddamned chin!’” But Mulcair would not yield to Dobbs’ wisdom. “Frankly,” Dobbs continued, “Tom’s a little bitch about his chin hairs.”
Eventually Dobbs had no option but “to give up on the obvious solution and try this nut-job strategy of articulating the value of progressive politics to the electorate.” Dobbs is surprised that the new strategy is working. “It’s a Hail-Mary. We are genuinely engaging with voters as if they are competent adults, and educating them about the principles on which democratic socialism is built… All because Tom thinks he has a weak chin! It’s shameful.”
His griping aside, Dobbs is pleased by the recent surge. “At the end of the day, if I can put another tick in the “win” column, I’m happy. Obviously, I’d rather win by micro-managing the candidate’s facial hair than by addressing systemic societal problems, but I take what I can get. If we end up with 45% of the popular vote in the general election, it’s going to do great things for my LinkedIn profile.”
At each of Stephen Harper’s first two campaign stops today, the leader of the Conservative Party spent about 25 minutes taking questions from journalists. Questions covered a variety of topics including Canada’s economic outlook, foreign policy, the state of our democratic institutions and the inequalities faced by Canada’s indigenous population.
At both stops, one in London, Ontario and the other in Kitchener, Harper began by saying “I don’t have a prepared statement, but I’m willing to spend some time taking questions.” When answering, Harper was careful to hit each of his talking points but he also made sure that he answered each question thoroughly, providing context and discussing the nuances of his position. He frequently invited journalists to pose follow-up questions by asking “did that fully answer your question?”
Harper was eager to differentiate his position from those of other parties, but he also honestly conceded when the positions of the various parties were similar. When answering a question about job growth at the campaign stop in Kitchener, he made a point of emphasizing the good intentions of the members of the other parties. “Look, all the candidates running in this election got into politics because they want what’s best for Canadians,” said Harper. “But on this one issue, the approach taken by the Conservative Party is different because we have different underlying assumptions about how to achieve what’s best for all Canadians.”
At press time, none of the above facts surprised anyone because we live in a democracy.
Green Party leader Elizabeth May, depicted with innovative idea she is irrationally committed to
According to an exclusive interview with a former Green Party strategist, the Green Party is “zealously committed” to pursuing their failing strategy of presenting Canadians with creative solutions to large-scale systemic problems. The source is now working for the Conservative Party of Canada. The anonymous source approached Real Truth Wire “hoping to get some things off my chest.”
“The problem with the Green Party is that they hate winning” our source confided. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the ‘weighty ideas win respect, inane ideas win elections’ conversation with those folks.” The source left the Green Party after leader Elizabeth May insisted on talking seriously about a guaranteed minimum income for all Canadians.
“The guaranteed minimum income is a spectacular idea” our source confirmed. “With one masterful stroke you eliminate poverty and it saves taxpayers money. It’s the kind of legislative ingenuity that no one can get behind.”
The former Green Party strategist said that she was already concerned with the Green Party’s excessive concern for the long-term health of Planet Earth, which sustains all known organic life. The guaranteed minimum income was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Our source insisted that the Green Party’s prospects got even worse after she defected. “By the time they started talking about eliminating student debt, I just shook my head and thanked my lucky stars that I was working with a Party that was stoking irrelevant and/or harmful anti-Muslim sentiment.”
Our source continued, “do you want to know what’s killing Canadian economic competitiveness? Our brightest university graduates are slaving away in meaningless middle-management positions at banking conglomerates because it’s their only possibility of paying their crippling debt. Do you really think that people will vote for a party that wants to solve that? Come on! Some of us live in the real world. Let’s get back to talking about reducing taxes by quarter percent for double income families with three and a half children.”
At press time, our source was busy constructing the best way of articulating a Conservative plan designed to reduce the number of Indonesian Muslims immigrating to Canada by exactly seven.