Local resident Richard Paulson endured an awkward ride to the nearest hospital on public transit last Thursday afternoon. According to Paulson’s roommate, William Xu, a four-and-a-half-hour erection necessitated the visit. Paulson had taken Viagra, a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction, during a marathon masturbation session. Although Paulson was satisfied with the quality of the erection, the duration proved longer than desired, requiring that he seek medical attention.
When Paulson finally returned from the hospital many hours later, he described his trip to the hospital to Xu. “First off, it was rush hour,” explained Xu, who approached The True Facts Wire with the story in petty retaliation over dishes left overnight in the sink. “So there were lots of opportunities for wood-on-stranger contact.”
According to Xu, Paulson left the house underprepared for the trek, taking with him only a hardcover version of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich to hide his pesky manhood. Unfortunately, mid way through the trip, Paulson encountered his tenth grade history teacher, with whom he still keeps occasional contact. During their conversation, the septuagenarian teacher asked if she could borrow Paulson’s book. At the time, Paulson could not think of a reason to reject this request that did not involve a longer-than-four-hours-in-duration erection, and gave up the book. Xu confirmed that shortly after this interaction, Paulson thought up numerous plausible reasons.
For the remainder of the trek, Paulson was forced to navigate the crowds without the shield of first-rate historical scholarship, and was the target of numerous glares and whispers. Paulson tried to mitigate the awkwardness with a group of teenage girls by plainly explaining his medical condition. Investigative work conducted by The True Facts Wire confirms that this explanation was met with utter disbelief.
After a 27 minute subway ride and a short bus trip, Paulson reached the hospital emergency room. Upon arrival, Paulson’s erection had almost completely dissipated rendering the entire agonizing trip pointless.
Correction: An earlier version of this article named Mr. Paulson as Dick Paulson, rather than Richard. Mr. Paulson subsequently informed us that he strongly prefers Richard. The relevant text has been updated and The True Facts Wire regrets the error.
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