Facebook stock rises on expectations of “post-revenue future” after announcing measures to reduce creepy online stalker behaviour

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at the press confere
Mark Zuckerberg, game-changing, post-revenue, future-focused thought leader, and Facebook’s Chief Executive Officer. Photo by Guillaume Paumier

Menlo Park, California. Facebook Inc., the premier internet stalking company, has announced that it is realigning its organizational goals, focusing attention on throwing money in the garbage. The company is streamlining its interface functionality to ensure alignment with this new goal. In their first publicly announced initiative to implement the revenue-in-garbage strategy, Facebook is actually giving people the option of seeing fewer posts from their ex immediately after a break-up.

Bruce Pimm, senior technology analyst for Goldman Sachs, says that this move will disengage Facebook’s target demographic, desperate post-breakup creeps. “Immediately after a breakup, a person – especially someone predisposed to internet stalking – typically wants to see more updates from the person that just dumped them.” Pimm told us. “They want to know where their ex is going, what they are doing, and especially who they are with.”

Pimm went on to say that the creepy-stalker-type is also very aware that their ex will see their own posts. Therefore, people go out of their way to post about their fascinating post-breakup life, and look for as many opportunities as possible to take pictures with attractive potential mates. Facebook estimates that these pathetic displays of insecurity make up about 45% of the social media platform’s total traffic.

The “Dumpsville demographic,” as it is affectionately known at Facebook headquarters, is also the ideal audience for Facebook’s advertising partners. Following a breakup, people are vulnerable; in their scramble to give meaning to their otherwise vapid existence, they often make impulse purchases or just mindlessly click on advertisements for no particular reason. As a result, Facebook says that people who have recently been sent to Dumpsville are between two and three times more lucrative to the company in terms of advertising revenue.

During a conference call with analysts, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg was clear that this strategic shift is not an attempt to change Facebook’s target demographic. “A lot of people have asked whether this is an attempt to shift Facebook’s user base, in order to attract a less-sad or less-creepy demographic,” Zuckerberg said. “Let me be very clear: this strategic realignment is not about altering our target demographic. Rather, this is an attempt to take as much potential revenue as possible and literally throw it straight into the garbage.”

The share price of the social media company soared on the news, finishing the day up 11.7%. Pimm praised Zuckerberg’s thought leadership, explaining, “This is really the kind of future-oriented innovation experiment that we want to see from the tech sector. Zuckerberg is driving us into a new post-revenue era, and we think that has a huge up-side for Facebook’s profit potential. This is game-changing, future-focused leadership at its finest.”

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