Integrity Commissioner Slams Wynne over Half-Hearted Halloween Costume

Kathleen Wynne Vending Machine 2
The Integrity Commissioner’s report scolded Wynne’s costume for its lack of originality: “they’re just her work clothes!”

In a scathing seven-page report released this afternoon, Ontario’s Integrity Commissioner Lynn Morrison slammed Premier Kathleen Wynne over the costume she wore to a Halloween party Saturday evening. Ms. Wynne, seen in the picture above, was dressed as a vending machine for Ontario’s public assets.

The integrity Commissioner’s report focused on the disservice that Wynne’s costume did to the holiday spirit. “Halloween is a time when even as adults we get to engage the magic of our imaginations. We ponder different worlds, and then for one evening we step into the shoes of a character within one of those worlds. Ms. Wynne’s actions are disappointing because she just threw on her work cloths and went as herself. It’s just so disrespectful to the spirit of the season.”

In a press scrum shortly after the report was released, Premier Wynne struck back at the Integrity Commissioner’s report. “My costume was clearly well above the bar in terms of creativity!” Wynne said emphatically. “I ordered the vending machine costume weeks ago and had to attach all those logos to it myself. Besides, I only have immediate plans to sell off one of those crown corporations at pop-bottle prices.”

Wynne also pointed out that the costume was a hit with the other guests at the party. “Ed Clark [former CEO of TD Bank] was hosting the party and he loved it.  There were also a bunch of other bank executives, investment bankers and corporate lawyers in attendance and they must have thought it was creative, because they were giddy at the sight of that costume.”

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White people relieved by end to police carding, optimistic that it will reduce use of troublesome “R-word” in public discourse

Brazen protest t-shirt makes use of R-word. White people how use of this threatening word declines now that carding is illegal in Ontario.
Brazen protest t-shirt makes use of R-word. White people hope use of this threatening word declines now that carding is illegal in Ontario. Photo via etsy.com

Thursday afternoon Yasir Naqvi, Ontario Minister of Community Safety and Correctional Services announced that the practice of police carding, a term which refers to random police checks, will be made illegal by the end of fall. The decision was lauded by groups representing African-Canadians, which consider the practice discriminatory.

Surprisingly, it appears that the move is popular with White people as well. The True Facts Wire interviewed Denise Johnson, a member of the visible majority who seemed capable of speaking on all members’ behalf. “I think the policy [of police carding] causes more problems than it solves,” Johnson said. “I read that article about carding in Toronto Life. I remember the article clearly because it wasn’t about condos. I even shared it on social media, albeit only on MySpace.”

When asked why she is opposed to the practice of police carding, Johnson explained, “I think it’s a sound policy in theory, but it seems like we just can’t have it without activists thrusting that dreadful R-word into the public sphere.” When asked to clarify, Johnson lowered her voice to a whisper and said, “racism.”

“I think there’s a real empathy gap between whites and the others,” Johnson continued. “I don’t think they understand how hurtful that word is, or the long history of it being used against us.”

“I just wish that People with Colours would understand that the R-word hurts us as much as the other stuff hurts them” Johnson said, referring to centuries of systemic violence and oppression. “I’ve always thought that the best way to deal with inequality is to protect the people who benefit from feeling bad. But of course, I do understand that living in a complex society involves making tradeoffs. So if canceling this legitimate policing tactic is the only way to dial down the use of the R-word, I can accept that.”

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